This conversation was held in broken English and Spanish with an impressive multitude of hand gestures. It has been cleaned up here.
Council Man: What can I do for you?
Me: I need a new NIE number (the number you receive when you register as a foreign resident)
CM: What happened to yours you cretin?
Me: My copy was in a bag that was stolen a few months ago.
CM: Why do you need one?
Me: For loads of things! Because my old foe CAN bank, the Moriarty to my Holmes, has closed in Madrid leaving me without a bank in a last desperate attempt to defeat me. Without an NIE number I can't open a new account.
CM: A passport is enough.
Me: Thats what their website said but, no.
CM: You said it was a copy, that must mean that you sold the original to a Colombian drug cartel, some Jihadists or Russian people smugglers.
Me: My former employer has it, they were shady I grant you but not that bad!
CM: Ask them for it then retard.
Me: I have, no response, CAN has evidently got to them.
CM: Well without one you are aware that in the eyes of the Spanish government you no longer exist.
Me: Well I do have my NIE number here on my contract and here on my old Pamplona healthcard. So I do have it, but apparently those don't count
CM: Well obviously.
Me: Why don't they count?
CM: Because
Me: Because?
CM: Because.
Me: But Pamplona is in Spain surely that counts?!
CM: Nope, Navarra is an autonomous community so no it doesn't count. We need you to prove it was stolen.
Me: Is the police report enough?
CM: We would prefer you had a written account from the guy who took the bag or at least a sketched picture of the event but the report will do. But this doesn't have your NIE number on it!
Me: I know, because the NIE was in the bag.
CM: Well that's no good. You haven't said the NIE was in the bag on this form.
Me: There's no option for it so I ticked other.
CM: Well other could be anything...
Me: I need the number!
CM: Well clearly you can't be trusted with it.
Me: Please!
CM: Well you need to identify yourself with two forms of ID.
Me: I have my passport, what else counts?
CM: Ideally your NIE.
Me: Silence other than gentle sobbing.
CM: Well come on now, its not that bad. You just can't open a bank account, buy things online and just hope to God the police don't stop you at any point. We also strongly advise not getting sick.
Me: Louder sobbing
CM: We can't do anything today. Come back tomorrow and as nothing will have changed we can go through this all over again from tomorrow until eternity.....
love love love x
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