An Afternoon in the Town Hall

This conversation was held in broken English and Spanish with an impressive multitude of hand gestures. It has been cleaned up here.

Council Man: What can I do for you?

Me: I need a new NIE number (the number you receive when you register as a foreign resident)

CM: What happened to yours you cretin?

Me: My copy was in a bag that was stolen a few months ago.

CM: Why do you need one?

Me: For loads of things! Because my old foe CAN bank, the Moriarty to my Holmes, has closed in Madrid leaving me without a bank in a last desperate attempt to defeat me. Without an NIE number I can't open a new account.

CM: A passport is enough.

Me: Thats what their website said but, no.

CM: You said it was a copy, that must mean that you sold the original to a Colombian drug cartel, some Jihadists or Russian people smugglers.

Me: My former employer has it, they were shady I grant you but not that bad!

CM: Ask them for it then retard.

Me: I have, no response, CAN has evidently got to them.

CM: Well without one you are aware that in the eyes of the Spanish government you no longer exist.

Me: Well I do have my NIE number here on my contract and here on my old Pamplona healthcard. So I do have it, but apparently those don't count

CM: Well obviously.

Me: Why don't they count?

CM: Because

Me: Because?

CM: Because.

Me: But Pamplona is in Spain surely that counts?!

CM: Nope, Navarra is an autonomous community so no it doesn't count. We need you to prove it was stolen.

Me: Is the police report enough?

CM: We would prefer you had a written account from the guy who took the bag or at least a sketched picture of the event but the report will do. But this doesn't have your NIE number on it!

Me: I know, because the NIE was in the bag.

CM: Well that's no good. You haven't said the NIE was in the bag on this form.

Me: There's no option for it so I ticked other.

CM: Well other could be anything...

Me: I need the number!

CM: Well clearly you can't be trusted with it.

Me: Please!

CM: Well you need to identify yourself with two forms of ID.

Me: I have my passport, what else counts?

CM: Ideally your NIE.

Me: Silence other than gentle sobbing.

CM: Well come on now, its not that bad. You just can't open a bank account, buy things online and just hope to God the police don't stop you at any point. We also strongly advise not getting sick.

Me: Louder sobbing

CM: We can't do anything today. Come back tomorrow and as nothing will have changed we can go through this all over again from tomorrow until eternity.....



love love love x

Spanish Moss

I love you Chris.

It is as if we never left. I'm back in routine with some new added improvements. I pride myself on making my years resolutions last until at least the first week of Febuary. The main has been to do a little Spanish every day and so far so average. I've just been doing a little and I'm trying to work out whether Spanish is hard or if I'm an idiot, I think its a bit of both. The usual eat better and do excerise has been its usual waste of time. I thought I had set a fair few targets until seeing what a friend from school's resolutions, she is determined to completely cut out joy. My Spanish has been tested and found wanted this week as we have had workmen in. Julia had the misfortune to wake up with water spraying out of a pipe in her room. Some plumbers came and then some more guys came to fill the whole in the roof. Being the only one in at the time I did my best to sound gruff, admire their job and be manly, the sort of man who could do this job if he wanted. I failed but I can't blame the Spanish...

Its been a good week. Went out at the weekend and ended in one of the strangest places ever. It looked like every miserable shopping arcade you get in places like Swindon or Dartford but every shop was actually a metal bar. I'm not one to comment on fashion generally but some of the stuff on display was truly special. The average age must have been 17, mum and dad were on the end of some serious abuse. I had my first run in with the law. It is against the law to drink in the street in Spain but normally the police turn a blind eye. This one didn't. Seeing me with drink in hand standing at the top of some steps he gestured at me from the bottom of them. He gestured writing a fine in his book and kept pointing at me. In my state I didn't quite understand what this could possibly mean so I just stood there looking puzzled which made him annoyed. As he came up the stairs I realised what he meant put the drink down and walked off. He came up and glared at me as he kicked my pint over. Now I know how these guys felt.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=1M8vei3L0L8

Fortunately the number of underage, street drinking Goths distracted him. Of course if he had come over I wouldn't have N.W.A-ed him (yeah I use it as a verb, what of it?) I would have been very polite, smiled a lot and played my best ignorant foreigner card.

Class is back in full swing, lots of new faces, I've lost some students too, which is normal before anyone thinks anything. Some I'm delighted to see the back off, others not so. I have one new student who has been in America and is very good but says things like sidewalk, gas and my favourite, fo sho, like Omar from the Wire. In my corporate class I've been moved up the -1 floor to floor 16. I'll own that tower in no time.

Otherwise I spend my time thinking about Chris. He is our new manager. I normally don't like hero players coming back as manager but its Chris, there should never be a time when he is not at Charlton in some capacity. It's first managerial job so maybe it will be a master stroke. I'm caustiously optimistic. Please don't fuck it up, I couldn't bear it.

love love love x

Dacia

jalopnik.com/5729853/the-most-insulting-car-commercial-ever-made

Here's a link to a Romanian car advert (in English) I don't get it but God I miss them

x

The King Is Dead

I'm sorry for the long delay. The reason for this is that I have been busy what with Christmas and more recently giving potential Charlton managerial candidates imaginary job interviews. I hope you had a lovely festive Christmas. I was incrediably lucky that my flight both back home and back here were completely unaffected. Unlike the poor bastards going to Belgium, that was shaping up to be one miserable Christmas. Poor Belgians.

Home was really good! This sounds horrible but I was surprised how much I enjoyed being back. I always like being home unlike most people in TEFL I didn't get into it to run away from home and I can't explain why but it was really good to be back. The most eventful event as it typically is was a visit to Dalston. A little drink before dinner turned into a few hours in one of these trendy bars that are now all over east London. We brought the tone as Alex fell literally on his face, sorry for sharing Alex but it was really funny. Not that I can say anything I briefly fell asleep and was even the tinniest bit sick. That however was the doormans fault. Other than I got in a visit to Cambridge which always makes one feel scholary. So scholary I think I have mispelt scholary, have I? I'm a disgrace to my profession.

I am enjoying work at the moment. In a novel turn we have taken in new teachers and now I look like some weary war veteran with a cigar hanging from my mouth looking at some fresh faced recruits. I feel like shaking them and shouting in their face, something like this

www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUc62jD-G0o

Its gone a little to my head, I feel a little dizzy. Most of my classes have involved a quiz about 2010 which had been translated into English. It has been fun and has done wonders for my knowledge of Spanish politics. Apparently there is a shady kingmaker, man behind the throne type, Alfredo Perez Rubalcaba and theres some serious tension between Spain and Morrocco.

Since being back I had my first night out in the new smoke free Spain, I forgot what a huge difference a smoking ban makes. Jonathan rang me on Sunday barely able to contain himself that he had found a cinema showing Tron in English. I'm not a huge fan but I went along and it was ummm. I just had one question that summed up my whole attitude to the film, why? He built an amazing grid! Why? The villian is trying to get into our world! Why? He's building an army! Why? We must see Zeus! Why? But wait Zeus is allied with the villain! Why? This disk on my back contains all the knowledge about the grid! Why? Why? Why? WHY? W*^H%!$Y???

I have to go. I have vowed that I will do some Spanish work every day and I have yet to do any and its three minutes to midnight. I'm leaving it dramatically late.

love love love x