Rival Schools

I've just had a terrible realization. I'm a teacher, like a real one. Being a teacher does funny things to you. I find myself sympathizing with my old teachers more and more. I find myself saying dreadful things like "if you don't want to learn thats fine but don't spoil it for everyone else!". It's really horrible repeating yourself over and over again, be quiet, speak in English, don't hit him, no one in this class has French porn or is a Nazi. I've taken to picking on kids who aren't paying attention and asking them to explain the instructions back to me with the saying that might be on my gravestone "what are you going to do?" One girl takes great delight in singing the theme from Cops whenever she hears me say it. Little sod. I'm worried that I will turn into the English Herr Zimmel, an Austrian German teacher we had at school that was the but of a lot of cruel jokes (Catherine ;-)) which he could never understand because he was foreign. Kids are tricky bastards. Their energy (in one case - especially when they have a broken foot) is amazing until you need them do something.

They are ALWAYS upto something.

One thing I'm sure you will be delighted to know is that text books aimed at teenagers are still as patronizing and cringe worthy as ever. These are some short extracts from English text books.

Emma: Hi Zac! Are you sad or angry? (two emotions for one, that is literally text book)
Zac: I'm angry!
Emma: Why?
Zac: Adam has five of my cd's!
Emma: Have you heard about Adam's Dad?
Zac: No?
Emma: He's in hospital, maybe you should be nicer (what a bitch!)
Zac: Oh I didn't know that.
Emma: I can lend you my Radiohead cd.... (of all the bands in all the world, why choose Radiohead?)

Lucy: Hi Mary, who is your friend?
Mary: This is Emily, she's my special friend (I thought that to but no)
Lucy: Oh!
Mary: She's my sister!
Emily That's what I call a special friend!! (the picture is now of the two sisters holding hands and looking into each other eyes in a deeply unsettling way.)

And maybe my favourite conversation ever:

Kate: Whose that?
Sue: Oh that's George.
Kate: He's proper tasty!
Sue: He's such a dish, but he goes out with Sarah.
Kate: Lucky beggar!
Sue: What about Tyler?
Kate: Oh no way! He's the pits and he does ballet!
Sue: Well let's hope George gives Sarah the boot!

Such a beautiful language ravaged before your very eyes. Text books are also the only surving remnants of shameful parts of British history like Hear'say and 5ive. I had to do some soul searching after realizing that in modern books they don't write letters, students blog. People like me are responsible for that. I refuse to teach the lesson where they have to convert sentences into text speak on principle. I wouldn't be able to look myself in the mirror.

Another book defined a friend as someone who always has your favourite ice cream in the fridge, we need words...

who loves ya baby x