Vital Organs

Doesn't time go quickly? There's some wisdom for you. The decision about what to do next year has come around again. I'm finding this year a lot less stressful than last year as another year at this school doesn't fill me with dread like last year. The plan so far is to apply for jobs over the summer, obviously being a young go getter I have a clear stratergy and know exactly what I'm looking for. Believe me yet? If I can't find one then I'll come back to Madrid, I'm sure this will be my last school, if not my last year. Asking around at home work still seems difficult to find so we shall see. Also on the work front I accepted the job at the summer camp in the end, the enthusiasm comes and goes. I do have the problem that he emailed a map of how to get to the camp and he sent a map of Kingston not Canterbury so there's something that needs to be sorted out quickly, or you know... not.

In terms of work I actually have the exam period, otherwise known as the most wonderful time of the year, is over and followed by one of the worst times of the year marking the bastards. I've gone from sitting reading my book while they do the exam to sitting up into the night reading stories about a time "you were in the limelight". Nothing makes you feel more like a teacher than marking. The joy, the despair, the utter bafflement. It's bad when you have to tell them to keep the writing section clean. They have done well, no one has failed yet which is nice, and obviously I'm taking all the credit. You're welcome students.

The shaven head continues to work wonders as I had a drag queen rub my head while pelvic thrusting me. Let me put that into some context. It was Erin's birthday. Firstly we spent an hour and a half walking around in the rain trying to find the place. The place was called Berlin Cabaret and the highlight was that part of the stage was on springs. Any form of dancing sent anyone on a circle pogoing up in the air. It was a lot of fun. I didn't click why this was at this point. After a while a guy who worked there came and herded us away. Then the springed part of the floor dropped and there three drag queens were lifted from below to the floor to perform a sultry dance routine. Part of which involved rubbing my head while thrusting. I've now got more questions than answers, I'm so confused. Later on Felicity at the bar was offered by one them to have a little squeeze of one of his indisputiably pert bum cheek. In true British style she gently prodded it and congratulated him on it's firmness. They weren't young guys if I'm in that shape at their age or even ever I will be very happy.

I've also become a domestic godess. I've cooked and ironed today. Hell yeah I know how to have fun

love love love x

Calvo

Greetings! Call off the search I've been away but now I'm back.

I'd like to say I've been really busy but by far the biggest news is my brand spanking new shaven head. It's been very exciting. My ease of living has been greatly improved and I've been having my head rubbed by some pretty ladies, I don't know why I haven't done it sooner. I've been compared to:

If you don't recognize these fine collection of gentlemen, the first is Buster Blood Vessel of ska band Bad Manners, former Charlton and England defender Danny Mills and Alexander Litvenenko. As I said why didn't I do this sooner?

In other news I had a job interview for a summer camp today. It started badly when they arranged to call me at 12 and then didn't. I waited for an hour and then had to go to class and they rang me on the metro. He sounded annoyed that I was travelling and I snotily replied "well I was expected you to call an hour ago". It then clicked that he had rung at 12 o'clock English time while I'm working on Spanish time. He turned out he was a very nice man and we had a little chat where we basically talked about anything not related to summer camps. He offered me the job which is partly nice and partly not. I've got a week to decide and I'm not sure if I'll take it. The money isn't bad and I have no trouble with the classes, the commute or even working on a Saturday. My problem is what Mike calls the "Lights out sex patrol". Patrolling the corridors of a University of Kent residence with a torch stopping horny, rich, European kids having sex with each other. If I have to do it I want a guard dog, a badge and a gun. Anyone I catch in the corridor will be the victim of my shoot first policy. I wasn't having sex as a teenager and I'll do everything in my power to ruin these kids nights too. Possibly worse is the thought of having to go to the talent shows, karoke nights and trips to London. If I lose a kid on the underground I'm leaving them behind, this isn't Vietnam.

It was the Madrid derby which is never exicting as it should be as Atletico haven't been able to win one since 1999. Charlton make me want to kill myself while Osasuna have become an unstoppable goal scoring machine. My football is getting worse. I should get better and I think I am but the problem is that everyone is improving faster than me.

Other than that work drags on. Easter is really late this year so I had great delight telling my students this week that though this is the last week, they will be straight back on Monday as the next term starts straight away. Their faces were delighted. I have spent my week arguing with all students about food. The Spanish mentality on food drives me, and quite a few others for that matter, crazy. They are obsessed with it. I have a bad attitude to food I confess but I don't rate everything by food standards. We were talking about different countries they had visited and like a lot of discussions descended into a food discussion. All the travel adverts are about what you can eat when you go on holiday. They think Spanish food is the best and most famous food in the world. I was saying that I would say that at least Italian, French, American, Chinese, Japanese, Indian, Mexican, Thai are more famous and more widely eaten. At first I thought it was sweet but it gets on my nerves a bit now when Spanish people I know point to a dish in a resturaunt and say look how wonderful it is and its something completely normal. The last one was chips with bacon on top it, covered in cheese. We do that home! Its hardly classy! The other is something called Bravas which are just square chips. I like them, but come on. I'm no expert on food as you well know but still. Sorry little rant there.

Oh and my parents are here for the easter break, ideas for what to do with them on a post card please. The problem is that they like polar opposite things, thats how to keep a marriage alive kids.

The sun is out, Madrid is beautiful.

love love love x

Carnival

Hola! It has been carnival time here in Madrid. The carnival in Italy and the south of Spain traditonally is a time of celebration before the beginning of lent. On a side note lent started one hour and 2 minutes ago, hope you are still holding out. In Madrid on the other hand carnival is getting dressed up and getting trashed. Work had their traditional carnival party which involves standing about for a few hours in the cafeteria dressed as an idiot. There is a picture on facebook of my minimal effort attempt. Fake beard and stupid hat, chequed shirt in an attempt to look vaguely woodman like. Not even a noble failure. The fake beard seemed like a good idea but after a few hours I wanted to scratch off my face. That wasn't the lowest point, one of my bosses kept taking the piss about my lack of hair. I may have no hair, but I'm not Australian.

That was not the end of carnival for me however. On what was supposed to be a routine Saturday night where I had absoultely no intention to dress up ended in a face paint disaster. Neil's girlfriend Sara, don't let her small stature fool you she's very persuasive, insisted that John, Neil, Mike and I were to have our faces painted as clowns before we left. We caved. Looking like a clown is strange enough but when dressed in normal clothes it becomes a little sureal. I was in the Beatles t-shirt and 4 (4!) people came up to me pointed at my face and said John Lennon. No not John Lennon. Sara's friends were also clowns which meant 8 clowns in total. Except one who decided to be Neil Pert from Kiss, the one that looks like a cat. So it was 8 clowns and the Kiss drummer. This led to Mike sing 'I was Made for Loving you Baby' all night and since it has not left my head. It was a good night, my highlight being a cock speaking to us at the end. Firstly we were expected to be excited that he was half English. Then he called Neil (who is Irish) English and when Neil corrected him restorted to calling him "one of those republicans".

He made himself look like a tool but I shouldn't judge after my showing on Sunday. I managed to get myself to church. I came in and took a seat at the back and wondered why it was so busy. There's normally a good show but now there was extra seating everywhere and some people were still standing. Then I remembered it was a confirmation day. The place was packed with extended family all in suits and formal dress, while I was in a football t-shirt and jeans. I hadn't showered and when I got home I realised I still had quite a bit of white face paint in my eyebrows. That shit is hard to get out. It wouldn't have been so bad if it wasn't for the fact the seat I had chosen was right next to the font where the main proceedings were to happen. The people getting confirmed were literally half a pace in front of me. It got even worse when a bishop who had come from England especially took over proceedings and would have been just out of arms reach. I ducked down to try and ensure that I was in no photos, please God don't let me be in any photos, and when the service was over I just bolted for the door. I think I got away with it and if not if I ask for forgiveness they are stuck.

Other than that everything is good. My new class in a small town called Las Rozas became a lot more interesting when I found out that the Spanish Football teams headquarters is just around the corner. I find it dehabilatatingly distracting, the kids seem better equiped. What if Xavi is there one day? I don't think I could contain myself. Talking of Spanish football Barcelona are quite good aren't they? Just watched the Barcelona vs Arsenal game. I feel bad for Robin Van Persie and I never thought I would say that but Barcelona are just too good. My man crush on Xavi grows, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass. No one seemed to fussed about Charltons big game then the I suppose the Charlton players dont care so I'm not surprised. Useless bastards.

Go on treat yourself
www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNGNLo8K6Fk

love love love x

The Sights of Madrid #1

People here say that Madrid lacks a big monument. There is no Eiffel Tower, Brandenburg Gate or Colliseum, nothing that conjures an instant image of the city. However that is not to say there aren't many interesting things to see and I'm here to prove it! I thought we would start with the Prado. The first thing to be said, before the number of great works it contains and all that, is that it's fucking massive. Thanks to Alex and his dogged sense of persistance I can honestly say that I have seen the vast majority, if not all of it. The Prado is a gallery that is home to the former royal collection of the Spanish monarchy. It is classical as they gave away all their modern stuff because they had too much, which is daunting when you think how many paintings they still have and what a space it covers. Daunting is the word that describes how the place feels at first. It's just a question of where to start. With the Greeks, with the pictures of the crucifixion (of which there are many) or the ones of Spanish royalty being regal. Once you start though it's wonderful and before you know it you've been there for five hours. It is considered one of the world's great galleries by people who know about this sort of thing. I am not one of those people and yet I can safely say I really like it. Most of it is over my head, I read the plaque next to each and wonder they could possibly know that but am happy to take their word for it. Here are some of their masterpieces in a format that does them absolutely no justice at all.

The Knight with his Hand on his Brest - El Greco

Garden of Earthly Delights - Bosch

Charles IV of Spain and his Family -Goya



Self Portrait - Albrecht Durer


Las Meninas - Velazquez


Portrait of a Cardianal - Raphael

To seem them in all their glory you'll need to get yourself on a plane won't you?

love love love x