Home Banker

Thank you Mark Jonathan Peirson for choosing CAN for all your Spanish banking needs. We pride ourselves on our service and our ability to occupy every third building in Pamplona. Thank you for supplying us with your passport, national insurance number, NIE number, your inside leg measurement, a quart of your own blood and for making a sacrifice of a small goat.

This is just a short 2,395,234 paged document entitled ¨Let us count the ways that CAN loves you¨. It is enclosed in a folder on which we have put a confused face on the front cover. Don´t say we didn´t warn you. This document is what we expect from you, unfilincing loyalty and devotion, and what you can expect from us, a nice new shiny bank card.

You can expect your bank card within the next 6-8 working months. When purchasing something on your new card you must produce a copy of your passport or identity number, failing do to so will result in a diplomatic incident and a possible nuclear attack on Dorset. Further details can be found on page 3,493, under the sub heading GT-34-DU-830T.

You will have noticed that each and every page (even the many blank ones) have been copied twice or sometimes even thrice! This is not a mistake for CAN do not make mistakes, see page 59,684, sub heading HV-78-OL-924M. The reason for this is not to break your spirit so you just sign the damn thing, it is that many people need a copy. Your signature is only required on soeme of these copies, signing the wrong copy will lead to restarting the whole process from scratch and the removal of your thumbs.

To acquire your new credit card please see Appendix G6. If you do not wish to receive your new credit card please sign and return the document headed HF-small picture of a dog-IL8-love heart-Ñ, which we have failed to provide.

CAN is an ethical bank. Each new customer is assigned a cause that we truly believe in. Causes range from the replacing a mere fraction of the rain forest which was destroyed to make this document to African children to orphanages in Eastern Europe. You have been assigned:

THE UPKEEP OF PAMPLONA´S CITY WALLS.

You will receive regular updates about the walls, pictures of the walls and a Christmas and birthday card from the walls. If you wish to change your cause from the mundane task of reducing the local government´s costs to something that make a fraction more difference, please go to sheet YSH-9347-K which is locked in a safe in a vault somewhere of the coast of Chile.

If you haven´t passed out yet then we arrive at document bfh34fd45D45QDBV790B8T (a personal favourite). You will notice the word Titular written vertically in tiny letters in the bottom left hand corner. Please refrain from giggling at the word Titular, CAN punishs laughter with paper cuts to the gentials. Despite the fact that on each other copy you had to sign the one with Officinar written on and leave Titular, this time for reasons clearly written in Wing Dings on page 7,353, you must sign Titular and leave Officinar well alone. Signing the wrong copy will lead to the process starting again and the assassination of a family member/beloved family pet.

Trying to leave CAN is not advisable. When your time to leave Spain arrives we ask for every documentation about you that has ever been written, among a few other small requests. Including pictures from that family holiday to the Isle of Wight you had when you were eight. Please refrain from even attempting to read the other pages which consist of information about how we can get out of any responsibility we have for your money, written in type so small it appears to the naked eye as a line.

I hope you have found this document to be enlightening as well as a enjoyable. Once you sign copy after copy, including one that looks worryingly like a cheque please hand over your ten euros. You will receive your very own copy to take home! We suggest framing it.