Spanish Handshake

As promised I'm about to hit you with Spanish right between the eyes. I was given a one of those CD series things by a family friend. He has quite a collection of language CDs, including Arabic, Russian, Mandarin, virtually all European languages and even Hindi. He doesn't actually speak any of these languages so either these CDs are a waste of time or he has more money than sense. So far I have found the CD's to be useful but it is intended for Americans. This is not a huge problem but it does assume that you will be speaking Spanish to Latin Americans rather than European Spaniard types. For example, it turns out that in South America they call Spanish, Castilian, rather than the European, espanyol. Castilian comes from Castile which is effectively Madrid, so it may not be a wise word to use in the Basque country. I only noticed that as espanyol was one of the few words I knew before starting but other than that I wouldn't know so I hope I haven't been wasting my time learning things that I will need to relearn. As its American I have also learnt how to say I'm from virtually every major American city, it sounds less impressive when you substitute the city with New Ash Green. They also speak Basque in Pamplona so if I get there and Spanish is the second language, so help me.

The CD is short twenty five minute lessons based around a conversation which changes a little each time to include new words. Theres a Mr Smith from America and Mrs Gomes who is from all over South America. Her marital status is also subject to change, and the two do change often in the same conversation. So far their conversations revolve around where things are (the Bolivia Hotel and Colombus Restaurant to be exact) , greeting each an excessive amount and complimenting Mr Smith's Spanish. Unlike Romanian there are people who could correct my Spanish (don't even think of correcting any English mistakes), so hopefully the mistakes I make will only be small. The spelling will be terrible as instead of the book I got the workbook from the guy I borrowed the CDs from. What is right and what he got wrong are indistinguishable. It may not be perfect but if you saw how many attempts it took for me to spell indistinguishable just now you would know my English spelling should be a greater priority.

So they start
Buenos Dias - Good day/morning
Buenas Tardes - Good afternoon
Buenas Noches - Good evening

Smarty pants among you may have noticed the different spellings, buenOs and buenAs. Buenos is male, things which are male use el, for example, el otel. Buenas is female which uses la. Here is the sort of conversation that follows. Pronunciation in the square brackets.

Mr Smith: como stou sted? (how are you?)
Mrs Gomes: muy bien, gracias. e usted? (very good thanks. and you?)
Mr Smith: soy el senor Smith (I'm Mr. Smith) she didn't ask but why let that stop you
Mrs Gomes: encantada (glad to meet you, for a woman, for men it would be encantado)
Mr Smith: tiene [t-n-a] pesos? (do you have pesos?) the truth of the conversation comes out
Mrs Gomes: tengo un peso (I have one peso) times are hard for Mrs Gomes
Mr Smith: Sabe [sah-vey] donde stou el hotel Bolivar? (do you know where the Bolivia hotel is?)
Mrs Gomes: Se [say] donde esta (I know where it is)
Mr Smith: Aidos Senora (goodbye to a married woman, for an unmarried woman use senorita)

That is the sort of conversation they have. Both have cause to be confused and a little annoyed. Mr Smith comes a little close to politely mugging Mrs Gomes and Mrs Gomes, the wise arse, could have been a little more helpful when he asked where the hotel is.

The conversations are mostly pretty inane but through the ramblings of two possibly drunk people I have learnt some useful stuff. General small talk, giving and receiving directions, word order and the early stages of masculine and feminine words; so maybe I should be nicer about both of them.

I remember reading a French phrase book and being surprised to find a whole chapter on French for the bedroom. I'm not sure why I was that surprised as it was a French phrasebook. It included phrases such as "do you have condoms?" and "slower, you are hurting me" Unless you learn it by heart in advance, which is presumptuous and a little slaggy, I thought that sex is not the best time to whip out your phrase book, surely there is an easier way of getting your point across. I'm just hoping that none of the lessons go down that path. The last thing anyone needs is to hear Mr Smith and Mrs Gomes giving in to each other having some six out of ten sex while having two completely separate conversations.

However, they have not been my only teachers, oh no. Kaylie taught me -quiero un bocadillo queso por favor? Which is "can I have a cheese sandwich please?" Bound to need that one. Sam also chipped in with, "soy profesor de Inglés" - I'm an English teacher. "Una caña, por favor" - A cold beer please. And - "no gracias, creo que tu es un hombre" - No thanks, I think you are a man. Rather know that and not need it than need it and don't know it.

word to your mothers x